Identity Fight

Sitting on my grey chair, my face a mess of tears

"Who am I, Lord?"

In all my years of my "saved" life I had never asked Him that question. 

I was desperate and broken.

All I knew was gone and changed.

And I cried out, "Lord, I need You to tell me who I am."

That night was the beginning of an identity journey Christ took me on.  He shook my world in order to bring me closer.  The hardest journey of my life to the deepest joy.  God works like that.

I had served in the same ministry for almost 7 years.  "My baby" I called it.  Tangible service that brought joy to my heart and met needs of those who needed it most.  As the years went by, the service that brought me joy began to deplete me.  A full tank began to empty.  A time of joy to a time of anxiety and overwhelm. 

When you have done something for so long its hard to let go.

I heard for months it was time to let it go and I ignored Him.  He kept whispering to me that the time was now.  I didn't want to trust Him that He held my heart.  There was too much on the line.  I couldn't agree with the notion that letting go of a ministry was a God-led decision.  After all, He told me to do it.  He blessed the organization.  He brought miracles and provision to it.  Walk away?

The tug of war inside my heart and mind lasted for weeks.  I knew it was time. My identity, or who I thought I was, was in the way.  

That day, the one I will never forget.  Every detail of the weather and the time of afternoon.  I walked into that meeting and handed the service over to another team.  And I wept.

It was as if letting go of the ministry opened a door to a flood gate of all the garbage that was hiding behind the gate.  So many aspects of my life that I wouldn't face.  So much of who I thought I was, gone.  I was unrecognizable to my own mirror.

So there I sat.  In my deep place.  Begging God to make it clear.  Asking why.  Pleading for answers.  Unsure where I walk from there.

And He began to speak to me.  

He said, "I am not your boss and you are not my worker.  The things of your past are dead and gone.  You are a new creation in me.  You don't need to hide any longer behind the face of a ministry."

I wanted Christ to know I was different.

I thought my list was too long and my past too dark.

It made me feel changed.

And my human self wanted others to know I had changed.

God began to teach me that I didn't need others to know anything.  That my relationship was with Him.  That my focus had lost its track.  I was replacing my intimacy with Christ for time in service when they are not one in the same.  There is no replacement for time with Christ in conversation, meditation and praise.  Service was not going to grow my new man in Christ.  

Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.

-Ephesians 2:9

In my world I felt the push of the question, "What's your purpose?"  Sermon after sermon.  If this ministry that looked like a purpose wasn't my purpose, then what was?

My determination to keep on in that ministry drowned out my capacity to hear where God wanted to take my life.  Assignments change.  People change in relationship with Christ.  He teaches us and deepens us and the journey never ends.

As I spent time with my Lord, He began to reveal the way He created me.  He took me to the places that hurt and had me face them.  He never left me alone in those places, He taught me what to do.  He took each piece of garbage that poured out of that gate and freed me from it.  

And now I know. I know who I am in Him.  I know that my identity is in Jesus.  My identity rests in the Savior that took my sin and claimed it as His own.  I am all that He is because He lives in me.  

God's given me my own journey.  I tried to take control and stand firm in what felt safe and looked good to me.  I almost missed it.  I almost missed a life in freedom. 

As my whole self in Christ, I am my ministry.  Its me.  I am enough.  My ministry is just being me in complete and utter dependence and intimacy with my Savior.  In that place, I will always be making a difference. 

He called us to love.

For we are God's masterpiece. He created us NEW in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.
-Ephesians 2:10



Oh how sweet Your words are God, 
Like peaceful waves over my heart.
Like the rope that wound me up unraveled till I'm free and arms stretched wide.
You are the keeper of my soul.

For who am I if not completely enveloped in Your love?
Who am I if not wholly immersed in Your redemption?
I am Yours.
Bought with a price.

You used the least of them, me.
You told me that I was good enough.
You said that I was the one You chose for the job.
That is my acceptance.

I'm living through Your Holy Spirit in me.
My purpose is to love You.